Update...

not much of an update, but here it is. We finally got the doctors to sign off on his food allergy and yeast overgrowth testing. We'll get that done in the next week or so, hopefully, but I don't know how long it will take to get the results.

I tried to get an appointment with the child psychology group that his OT recommends, but they aren't taking new patients until the end of summer. They take our insurance (our current one doesn't) so I was really looking forward to that bonus, plus they also hold social skills groups for boys his age periodically. I'm on the wait list so when they start taking new patients, they'll give me a call. We'll be heading back to the one we currently use, I guess.

Ryan's had some really big rages lately.

Still around!

Ryan's been away from school for a little over a week, and I've gone from having no time to having NOOOO TIME. He's adjusted pretty well, he's really resilient like that. Nothing new to report. Took him off the dietary restrictions while we wait for his ped to OK several tests that might point us more closely to what his sensitivities might be. He's had some pretty wild days, but also some really good ones. We've determined that he was probably supposed to be an only child. We have so few problems with him when he's the only one around, he's like a totally different child. :-) He's finally learned to tie his shoes and of course promptly lost all interest in doing it. We're staying busy!

A Glimpse...

of how hard it can be to be the mom of a child like Ryan.

We went to McDonald's today, with the play area. We haven't been in a long time...well before Christmas. Ryan had had a good day so far, but I was still keeping a close eye on him...as close as I could with him crawling around in enclosed tubes. At about the 25 minute mark, I was searching for Ryan to check in on him (as I'd been doing every few minutes), and I noticed a girl crying and an angry looking mom. I found Ryan and as I was checking in with him, the mom came up to me and asked me if Ryan was my son. I said yes, and she angrily told me that Ryan had hit her daughter for no reason and made her cry. "She's just little, and he's obviously big enough to know better. " (For the record, her neice as it turned out, was nearly 5). I apologized profusely and explained to her that we would be leaving and that Ryan has Asperger's...and her very angry reply was that he shouldn't be allowed to play with other kids if that was the case.

Yeah, I know that I shouldn't care what other people think, but when faced with these kinds of comments I can't help NOT care. How can I NOT help but project these kinds of reactions onto other moms of kids that Ryan might hurt, when these comments aren't rare to begin with?

My heart is breaking. I have to pick up Ryan from school for the last time in a few minutes. I'm so sad. I've gotten a couple of very heart-felt emails from his teacher's aide and from a couple of moms, and they've had me in tears all morning. It was easier when I was just plain angry.

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing.

I didn't sleep last night. I'm doubting my self, as I always do. Are we doing the right thing? Isn't it better that Ryan not be in an environment where he is "failing" on a nearly daily basis? If something was going to work, wouldn't it have worked by now, nearly 2/3 of the way through the school year? But I'm pulling him from his friends. His teacher is "shocked" that we're pulling him out (although I guess it wouldn't be professional for her to say "relieved", huh?) I haven't heard anything from the administration yet.

LOL...as soon as I posted that last post, I "got mail"...from his teacher who is "shocked" that we're pulling him out.

What cemented the decision? Two things. First, I get an email from the resource director who stated that it was time for us to review Ryan's notices of concern and decide whether he would be able to continue at StMM. I was told at the last meeting (before Christmas) that if the number of notices didn't diminish, he would not be able to stay. At that point, he'd had about 8 notices in 8 weeks. Right now? We're looking at 8 notices in 6 weeks (two this week alone). Writing on the wall?? So I started thinking what would be better for Ryan...Mom and Dad pulling him out because we feel like it just wasn't the right place for him, or the school deciding he couldn't continue there. So it was playing around in my mind, and knowing that they were going to make the decision tomorrow morning....it was playing around in my mind. Then, I went to pick up Ryan today. Every single day when I pick him up, no matter how bad a day he'd had, he would run down the steps and jump into my arms. Every. Single. Day. Today, he didn't do that. In fact, he came out the door and walked quietly down the steps with his head down. I greeted him as usual and asked him where my hug was...thinking he was just distracted by something. But no...he was sad because he'd gotten in trouble yet again at school and he told me that he would hug me when he felt better. He seemed resigned.

Yes, I know there are people out there who might say "Hey, he SHOULD feel bad for getting in trouble". Yes, I agree to an extent. But my Ryan has *always* bounced back very quickly. He shows remorse, might have a sad/angry/frustrated moment or two, but then he's always back to his cheerful self. He's normally very optimistic, very perserverant, and today...he was not. It was almost as if he'd given up. THAT cemented my decision. I had decided long ago that the moment this stated affecting his self-esteem, we would have to pull him out. I was only keeping him there, on the advice of the psychologist, for the social interaction. But this tipped the scales in the other direction.

So, I notify the school office at 12:15 that I will be withdrawing Ryan from school and tomorrow will be his last day. I spoke to the secretary, who said she'd inform the assistant principal who would call me. I also emailed the resource director and Ryan's teacher at 12:30, with the same information. I was waiting to hear from them before emailing the moms of the kids in his room, to give them a heads up in case there were any questions, etc. It's 10:40 pm and I've not received a single phone call or email from the school, nothing to ask "why?" or to let me know they got the message or to let me know what the procedure is, nothing. HOWEVER, I do know they got the message because I came home from dinner out with the family, to two emails and a phone call from moms in Ryan's room because their kids were upset that Ryan is leaving. So obviously his teacher told the class this afternoon (Ryan only goes in the morning, and I didn't tell him until he came home today that tomorrow will be his last day, so he couldn't have told them).

Ugh.