So here we are.

I've accepted the Asperger's diagnosis. And it's just replaced one weight with another. The weight of not knowing what the heck was going on with him is gone, but now I feel weighed down with this life-long diagnosis for him. I feel the stress of making sure we do the right things for him, because it can make a noticeable difference in his future...but I don't know what the right things are. I want to get started, but I'm hesitant to make the phone calls. I'm afraid to ask questions because I'm afraid of the answers. I did mention to some Asperger parents how I really think Ryan's situation is pretty mild and the unilateral response was that it gets "worse" and more noticeable with age, especially once they hit the pre-/teen years. This isn't something that can be "fixed" with a couple of years of therapies. He'll be dealing with this for the rest of his life. I'll be forever worried about his social skills and whether he has friends and whether he's being bullied at school. I'll never be able to take school days for granted with him. The whole bitter-sweetness of sending him off the kindergarten has just turned into bitter, bitter and more bitter.

We have a pediatric center here at the University of Louisville that runs an austism clinic for the Systematic Treatment of Autism and Related disorders (STAR). I'm going to contact them this afternoon and see what kind of support we can get. The run some social skills groups, have therapy sessions, and overall try to integrate treatments. I'm hopeful that they can help us along.

I'm not really any further along with finding a school for Ryan. Well, I guess I am, in that I now know what ones WON'T take him. Right now his school is saying that at the most, they will allow him to stay for half-days only (morning through lunch), and only guaranteed through conference time in late January. There is one school possibility that I'm working on, they need to see if they can fit his needs into their current class. It's an inclusive school, with 20-30% special needs, and they have openings in both their half-day K and their full-day K/1 classes. It's a small private school that focuses on hands-on learning and their class sizes are only 12-14, with two teachers. It would only take him through 2nd grade, but it might give him the time he needs to mature and then possibly transition back into our parish school. The other option is keeping at home until there is an opening at our home public school.

I met with his school last week and man, I wish I was stronger. I was in tears two or three times during the meeting and I just hate that. Part of my frustrating with this school issue is that I can't see what is happening...I don't know what preceeds his problems, I don't know what things might trigger them, or what typical personal space is for a 6-yr old that he's not getting. I'm frustrated because I don't know exactly what kind of school environment he needs, so how will I know when I find it?? I think one of the worst things I could do is bounce him around various schools, trying for the right fit. Not something a child lacking social skills should have to deal with. Fortunately he *is* very social, likes other kids and isn't shy at all. He makes friends everywhere he goes (just doesn't always keep them!!). No one seems to be able to help with this school thing either...no one has any answers. Ugh.

That's it for now.