Still around!

Ryan's been away from school for a little over a week, and I've gone from having no time to having NOOOO TIME. He's adjusted pretty well, he's really resilient like that. Nothing new to report. Took him off the dietary restrictions while we wait for his ped to OK several tests that might point us more closely to what his sensitivities might be. He's had some pretty wild days, but also some really good ones. We've determined that he was probably supposed to be an only child. We have so few problems with him when he's the only one around, he's like a totally different child. :-) He's finally learned to tie his shoes and of course promptly lost all interest in doing it. We're staying busy!

A Glimpse...

of how hard it can be to be the mom of a child like Ryan.

We went to McDonald's today, with the play area. We haven't been in a long time...well before Christmas. Ryan had had a good day so far, but I was still keeping a close eye on him...as close as I could with him crawling around in enclosed tubes. At about the 25 minute mark, I was searching for Ryan to check in on him (as I'd been doing every few minutes), and I noticed a girl crying and an angry looking mom. I found Ryan and as I was checking in with him, the mom came up to me and asked me if Ryan was my son. I said yes, and she angrily told me that Ryan had hit her daughter for no reason and made her cry. "She's just little, and he's obviously big enough to know better. " (For the record, her neice as it turned out, was nearly 5). I apologized profusely and explained to her that we would be leaving and that Ryan has Asperger's...and her very angry reply was that he shouldn't be allowed to play with other kids if that was the case.

Yeah, I know that I shouldn't care what other people think, but when faced with these kinds of comments I can't help NOT care. How can I NOT help but project these kinds of reactions onto other moms of kids that Ryan might hurt, when these comments aren't rare to begin with?

My heart is breaking. I have to pick up Ryan from school for the last time in a few minutes. I'm so sad. I've gotten a couple of very heart-felt emails from his teacher's aide and from a couple of moms, and they've had me in tears all morning. It was easier when I was just plain angry.

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing.

I didn't sleep last night. I'm doubting my self, as I always do. Are we doing the right thing? Isn't it better that Ryan not be in an environment where he is "failing" on a nearly daily basis? If something was going to work, wouldn't it have worked by now, nearly 2/3 of the way through the school year? But I'm pulling him from his friends. His teacher is "shocked" that we're pulling him out (although I guess it wouldn't be professional for her to say "relieved", huh?) I haven't heard anything from the administration yet.

LOL...as soon as I posted that last post, I "got mail"...from his teacher who is "shocked" that we're pulling him out.

What cemented the decision? Two things. First, I get an email from the resource director who stated that it was time for us to review Ryan's notices of concern and decide whether he would be able to continue at StMM. I was told at the last meeting (before Christmas) that if the number of notices didn't diminish, he would not be able to stay. At that point, he'd had about 8 notices in 8 weeks. Right now? We're looking at 8 notices in 6 weeks (two this week alone). Writing on the wall?? So I started thinking what would be better for Ryan...Mom and Dad pulling him out because we feel like it just wasn't the right place for him, or the school deciding he couldn't continue there. So it was playing around in my mind, and knowing that they were going to make the decision tomorrow morning....it was playing around in my mind. Then, I went to pick up Ryan today. Every single day when I pick him up, no matter how bad a day he'd had, he would run down the steps and jump into my arms. Every. Single. Day. Today, he didn't do that. In fact, he came out the door and walked quietly down the steps with his head down. I greeted him as usual and asked him where my hug was...thinking he was just distracted by something. But no...he was sad because he'd gotten in trouble yet again at school and he told me that he would hug me when he felt better. He seemed resigned.

Yes, I know there are people out there who might say "Hey, he SHOULD feel bad for getting in trouble". Yes, I agree to an extent. But my Ryan has *always* bounced back very quickly. He shows remorse, might have a sad/angry/frustrated moment or two, but then he's always back to his cheerful self. He's normally very optimistic, very perserverant, and today...he was not. It was almost as if he'd given up. THAT cemented my decision. I had decided long ago that the moment this stated affecting his self-esteem, we would have to pull him out. I was only keeping him there, on the advice of the psychologist, for the social interaction. But this tipped the scales in the other direction.

So, I notify the school office at 12:15 that I will be withdrawing Ryan from school and tomorrow will be his last day. I spoke to the secretary, who said she'd inform the assistant principal who would call me. I also emailed the resource director and Ryan's teacher at 12:30, with the same information. I was waiting to hear from them before emailing the moms of the kids in his room, to give them a heads up in case there were any questions, etc. It's 10:40 pm and I've not received a single phone call or email from the school, nothing to ask "why?" or to let me know they got the message or to let me know what the procedure is, nothing. HOWEVER, I do know they got the message because I came home from dinner out with the family, to two emails and a phone call from moms in Ryan's room because their kids were upset that Ryan is leaving. So obviously his teacher told the class this afternoon (Ryan only goes in the morning, and I didn't tell him until he came home today that tomorrow will be his last day, so he couldn't have told them).

Ugh.

The breaking point

Tomorrow is Ryan's last day at school. I'll be withdrawing him in the morning.

Aarrgghh.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired. Tired. Tired.

An email from his school, that it's time for us to review his progress and decide whether keeping him at this school for half-days is working for him (actually, is it working for the school). I just shot back a reply that I have nothing to add to what I've already told them or asked from them, I have no questions, so why is it necessary for me to meet with them in order for them to make the decision? Just decide to allow him to stay or decide to kick him out, and let me know. It probably looks to them like I'm trying to be difficult to work with, but these meetings are just too difficult to sit through and I'd just rather not.

I have a call in to the Department of Education to find out exactly what the laws are regarding children of Kdg age. Is he required to be in school at his age? If so, if I pull him out, what do I legally need to do...set up a home-school for the spring? If not, I'll pull him out next week. I just want to get him out of there. Selfish, I know. But I'm so tired.

I'm thinking of pulling him off of this GFCF diet too. I think the whole behavioral change thing was a coincidence. He's even worse now, nearly a week back on the diet (after a single day with dairy added back). His behavior at home has had him in is room most of the afternoon already today.

I just set up the initial "intake" appointment for the public school's ECE (Exceptional Child Education) program. These are the folks that will evaluate Ryan for placement in the public school, they are the ones who will determine what (if any) services he will need. There will be a lot of testing and evaluating, including speech and hearing and repeats of some of the psychoeducational stuff he's already had done independently. We will have an answer within 60 school days of our appointment...so by the end of the school year, haha.

Ryan has been really off the wall at school the last two days. I'm not sure what's going on with him, unless this is his body re-ridding itself of dairy. We've been really careful since Friday to keep everything GFCF. If I don't see improvement in the next few days I'm going to start doubting the whole dietary thing.

I'm considering getting a weighted vest for Ryan to wear at school. I may try to make one. I've emailed his OT about it, and maybe they have one he could try. They are very expensive to purchase, like $100, so I don't want to put out that kind of money unless I know it's going to have a positive affect.

Today he had french toast/maple syrup for breakfast, along with some cereal and V8 Fusion juice. Had a Nana's cookie bar for snack at school. Hasn't had lunch yet, but I assume it'll be PB&J.

Today Ryan was late to school, as DH let him stay up to watch the end of the Super Bowl...and DH overslept. He had Peanut Butter toast (GFCF bread, obviously) and cereal with blueberry juice for breakfast. Nana's cookiebar for snack at school. Ham slices and mayo on bread for lunch, with fritos and Snapea crisps. Potato chip chicken with sweet potatoes and corn for dinner. GFCF marshmallows for a snack. Meltdown in the afternoon, when I told him for the 3rd time he needed to clean his legos off the table so I could get it set for dinner; he threw the bag of legos at my face from about 2 ft away, so I hauled him up to his room to stay until DH got home, and confiscated the lego set for good. Meltdown at bedtime over something with DH, hitting and kicking DH, and pushing Lily, ending up losing the opportunity to feed his fish (Lily did it) and having to go right to bed without playtime. He was very sad about his behavior afterwards. Green card at school, but with extra warnings for being very unfocused and ignoring intructions.

Ryan woke up at 8:00. They all had just cereal for breakfast, with juice. Peanut butter on apple rice cakes for snack. PB&J for lunch, with fritos. Hot dog with DH for late snack. Chili with quinoa pasta and fritos for dinner. Popcorn for late snack.

Ryan had basketball practice/game in the afternoon. Had a meltdown when DH wouldn't play Wii with him when he wanted to. Had an OK afternoon, and watched the Superbowl with DH tonight.

Aha! Dairy is a problem. Ryan was dairy-free for nearly 4 weeks. Wednesday I allowed him to have chocolate milk after school, and he had cheesy doritos for a snack after Tae Kwon Do. We didn't really notice anything different in his behavior. Yesterday he spent the morning at his grandma's, and I told her that Hershey's and Reese's were safe for him to eat (they are gluten free) because she keeps that stuff around and Ryan's been missing it. He spent all day there, coming home just before I had to take him to OT. He tried to get me to let him stay at home saying that he didn't feel good (I assumed he just wanted to play longer). But I loaded them all in the car for the 20 minute drive, Ryan was fine. But when we got there and parked, and I tired to get him out of the car, he started screaming at me that he didn't want to go it, that he didn't feel good, and then he threw up all over the back seat. It was all chocolate. Afterwards he told me that he'd eaten probably 20 Hershey's kisses for snack before he came home. Guess it's time for a talk with his grandma about MODERATION!!

Anyway, I got him home and cleaned up and he said he wanted to crawl into bed, so I snuggled with him in my bed and let him watch TV, which he did from about 6:00 until 8:30. During that time he got more and more "antsy"...he just could NOT stop moving around. Finally I sent him to his bed, and I laid down with him for about 20 minutes until I couldn't stand the movement any longer. This morning he had a glass of milk. All day he's been "off". I've seen more sensory-seeking and aggression from him that I've seen in the past 3 weeks combined. It's just been crazy for him! So we decided to go back to the dairy-free diet.

In a month, we'll do a gluten challenge, to see of it has an affect.

At least we know!!